AVN Awards and Oxycontin

Once I arrived in Vegas, JohnnyCreepy and I quickly downed oxycotins, xanax, and some uppers. We proceeded to rush to the Mandalay Bay hotel in order to interview the stars on the red carpet, however by the time we got there the Oxys had kicked in so hard that I was trying to convince every girl in sight to let me star in there next porn film, and Johnny was harassing 13 year old girls. While we were struggling to interrogate Bethany Sweet about her next film, my mind ran blank of questions and I decided to make out with her. With show time about to hit, we stumbled down the red carpet trying to avoid the crazed fans grabbing at us from either side of the velvet ropes. After about five fucking security checks and a metal detector we got settled in our seats next to this coke sniffing nymphomaniac girl.

This year was a boxing match within the daring world of pornography, and the final punch was delivered tonight. The show was a stolen by an epic film by the title of "FUCK", which raped the other films until they begged for mercy. The best acceptance speech was most definitely given by the acclaimed actor Genna Haze who stated,"I have to say, I love sucking cock" after winning the award for Best Oral Performance. Somehow Gene Simmons won an award even though he has never starred in a pornographic film in his life. In a fit of rage similar to Michael Richards on stage breakdown, host Jim Norton verbally assaulted a member of the audience over a comment about Jenna Jameson's husband. Finally, in what seamed an attempt sever any since of sanity left in the show, Larry Flint broke down in tears while ranting about dead lawyers. By the time the crying old man was wheeled off stage, the size of the audience had shriveled to that of a small dieing fetus, and the show was basically over before it had begun.

-moneyhouse



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